Monday, January 10, 2011

Being Single

I have not had sex in 2 years.

For someone who has been known to say to a potential mate:  'You bring out the animal in me'.  This is not a good thing.  So number one on my 'to do' list for 2011 is to have sex. Lots of it. Preferably with someone else, rather than low lighted scented candles and self seduction.  How I go about achieving this warrants it's own special 'to do' list, so I will dedicate an entirely new post to it - watch this space.

A Man's work is always single mums.
I never ever envisaged having to mow the lawns, pump up bike tires, clear guttering, educate my son about his foreskin, clean maggots from my rubbish bin...the list goes on.  So I dedicate this post to 10 ACTUAL reasons to find a husband.  Certainly not a conventional list, but from entirely my point of view:

1.  To mow my fricken lawns!  I hate it!  I try to enjoy it, see the positives - get outside, exercise, achievement etc, but all the grass clippings down my cleavage, sweat dribbling down my bum crack, slipped discs from trying to get the damn thing started puts me off.  Once finally completed, all torture equipment put away until next weekend, I go inside to find my children have taken full advantage of Mum's distraction and have decided to make potions with toothpaste, shampoo and flour on their bedroom floor.  I take a deep breath and go to the toilet to stop myself from screaming uncontrollably - (or at least before I have thought it over properly, then scream), pull down my pants, and amongst all the grass clippings that drop to the floor, out flys a moth desperately seeking its freedom - maybe this is another sign for the aforementioned lack of sex.... on to that 'to do' list...

2.  Put the rubbish out.  This is such a traditional male job, and for good reason.  Even with my Ex, I put the rubbish out, so this criteria for a new husband needs to be crystal clear, maybe even in our wedding vows.  I do not like dealing with maggots.

3.  Penis education.  I know more about the humble penis that I or any lady should do.  I have googled penis' what they should or shouldn't do at each age, explained it to my son, but after a 2am episode to A&E because of a 'Forced Foreskin Retraction' (technical term, will let you work it out..) have decided that despite all my research and encouragement, I fail bismisly at this as I do not have the right equipment.

4.  Babysitting.  I very rarely go out - this is due to a number of reasons, mainly I can count my friends on one hand (or two fingers), and money is always an issue (this could be point no. 5).  Babysitting is a rare commodity from family members (free) as I can not afford to pay a horny spotty teenager, nor would I leave my children with one at such a young age.  Having a husband at home could mean that I could get a life - and maybe some more friends at the same time.

5.  Money - As above, 2 incomes are better than 1.  Enough said.

6.  A Soundboard.  This could be at the very least, a help in decision making, but for the most part, a barrier for my PMS rants so that my children don't receive the first wave of fury.

7. Child outdoor activities - Riding bikes, playing soccer, cricket, rugby, tennis. Go carting. Climbing. Building Sandcastles.  All activities I am usually too tired to be a part of or have 101 other motherhood priorities eg. googling penis's.

8.  Heavy loads.  There have been a number of instances whereby I have had to operate heavy machinery (Utes and Transit Vans) for collection of heavy goods eg. beds, climbing frames, furniture.  I have no will or desire to do this.  Physically is it difficult and also I need to organise point number 4 (babysitting) before undertaking this task.  It is a minefield.  I have suceeded everytime, but a much better job suited for new husband.

9.  Technical ability.  I may be falling into sterotypes here, but can new hubby please sort out my TV/DVD/HD/AVI/MP3/Multi Region/USB system to one remote with an on/off switch, volume and channel control.  That is all I need.  Preferably, could he upgrade all of the above as well.  Thanks.

10.  Take photos of me and my children.  I have no record of all of us together, as I am always the one taking the photos.  I would be devestated if 20yrs on my children are looking at their childhood photos without me in them, thinking that I may have not even been there.  All my hard, relentless and thankless work to make their lives the best they could possibly be would be worthless if I don't get some sort of recognition later in life.

I now realise that my chances of finding a husband may be slightly hindered after posting this, so all of the above will be denied until I do actually manage to find one and have a ring on my finger, and a new telly.


  1. You are classic sis! I think if you find such a husband not only will I and your two friends be eternally jealous but you will either no longer require babysitting duties due to the fact you will be shut in your bedroom any chance you get or you will still require a babysitter so your fantastic hubby can take you out!

  2. LOL where did this come from?!!! When your on the Dr.Phil show (now that Oprah is out of the spotlight, coz otherwise it would have been her)...can I come along too?

    P.S. NEVER EVER touch the foreskin! They will do enuf of that when their teenagers! ;-)

  3. I love your comment about sweat dribbling down your bum-crack. That is so you! LOL xxx


  4. Having been directed to your Blog by a mutually known persons link, I'd just like to say …. I liked that!

    You sound like a very nice young woman with just the right skills, attitude, humour and outlook.

    However, I have a life changing revelation for you!
    I can tell you unequivocally, that under any normal circumstances there should NOT ever be ANY maggots whatsoever in either your kitchen bin or your outside dustbin!! I have been using and emptying my own kitchen and outside bins for many, many years now and have NEVER, ever seen any maggots!
    Something is not quite right here, if you have maggots in your bin it is because flies have laid their eggs in your (food)stuff either before (Horror!) or after it goes in the bin!
    So, ……… forget penis and foreskin hygiene (just for the moment), it seems that first you need to urgently acquaint yourself (and your offspring too), with potentially life saving & disease free, food, fridge, kitchen and also bin hygiene methods.

    Once you have done that, I have no doubt that you WILL in time, meet just the right Soul-mate for yourself, ……………. with the added benefit of not inadvertently poisoning or killing off any of your loved ones!

    Very best wishes for a happy and healthy, maggot free future,

    PS. I must have missed the bit about the sweat!

  5. Killed myself laughing reading this! Love your blog - even if I'm not Oprah :)